Bachelorette Review By A Black Woman
It’s that time bitches. Michelle is the Bachelorette and we are going to read her men for filth. A lot of us dipped from Bachelor Nation for a while because we skipped Katie’s season. No shade, but I still can’t comprehend that it happened. But then it was bounce back season for Bachelor In Paradise! I watched every episode. In case you didn’t, here’s a quick summary: Natasha is the head bitch in charge, we as the black women society of America love Aaron, our OG girl Kendall went out sad but we are praying for her return, Joe and Serena are cute af, Kenny and Mari are simpatico, and Riley and Maurissa are whip cream. FIN.
Hennyways, back to Michelle. Michelle is a black woman so you know they had to bring out the white zaddies. Tayshia and Kaitlin are hosting which makes me smile harder than I ever have in my life. Kaitlin is my gemini sister and my favorite bachelorette. Tayshia is also top five. She chose Zac C and if you are a white person reading this and didn’t know - us black women love the fuck out of Zac C.
NOW FOR THE MAIN EVENT! WHO’S READY FOR MY MYSPACE TOP 8?! These are by no means men that I think will make it far, but just men that made an impression. Because that’s what we are here for – good television. All I need is for Michelle to find one good man. The rest need to be scoundrels so that I am entertained. I also think there may only be 7. Whatever, let’s go!
Nayte is my everything. I pick Nayte. I have so many thoughts about Nayte. The show is over. Nothing else matters. He is so hot I’m not listening to him speak. I literally can’t tell you anything about Nayte because I was starring into his soul the entire time. He looks like God stopped on him for 30 extra minutes and was like, I’ll just give this one everything i’ve got.
When I first saw Chris S., my initial thought was…FUCK THIS GUY! I saw the mom and dog and thought that there is absolutely no way that this man likes black women. I would believe that gay men gave up on Lady Gaga before I ever believe HE is here for Michelle. Then I thought – I have absolutely ALWAYS wanted to date this guy in high school. He was always objectively fucking hot but was always never into me. Past experience may be bleeding into my review of this man, but we will see.
Joe has an extremely leveled review so please bear with me. After the introduction video, I thought he was attractive until he called her Queen – then it immediately screamed asshole attempting to say words he thinks women want to hear. Buttttttt, they are both from Minnesota, they are biracial, they both play basketball, and they graduated the same year. So I’m assuming Top 4. Either way, Top Tool. BUT THEN BITCH! WHEN THEY MET IN PERSON!!!!!!!! AND SHE REALIZED SHE KNEW HIM!!!!!!!!! AND THEN SHE REALIZED SHE KNEW HIS LAST NAME!!!!! AND THEN SHE REALIZED SHE SLID INTO HIS DMS!!!!!!!!!! I am still on the floor dying. Even our girls Tayshia and Kaitlin peeped that some energy popped off!! She said that they messaged back and forth about basketball and then he ghosted. So the obvious answer is that he’s on the show because she’s the bachelorette. WHICH CONFIRMS MY INITIAL THOUGHT THAT HE IS A TOOL. He literally ghosted her. She said it. Now he up here about to be on a show where you have to propose at the end? If she passes up Nayte for this man I will lose my shit. I’m just going to leave it to Jesus.
Clayton is objectively the hottest white man on the Bachelorette since Tyler C. I want to love him for a good time and a long time. His mom is a teacher and she’s a teacher. HIS MOM IS ALSO IN THE INTRO VIDEO SO THE FAMILY APPROVES OF HIM DATING BLACK WOMEN. Tyler C. is every black women’s bachelor favorite in the history of all things Bachelor. We quite literally ascended him to Twitter and Instagram fame. The only person that we have loved as much since him is Zac C. We were not surprised at all that Tyler dated a black woman after the show – it was obvious from the jump that he was made for us. Side note: did anyone else think Clayton wanted to get spanked by that ruler a little too much? I love it.
BONJOURNO! Peter is my man. He makes pizza. He changes lives one slice at a time. He’s Italian - you can hear it in his accent. I’m also assuming he’s from jersey. Idk – I’m living for all of it. He makes me want to order a pizza from wherever he’s serving it from. If he ends up being from Boston though, completely erase everything that I said.
NOT THEM BRINGING TWO FIREMAN IN AND THEN THE SECOND ONE ABSOLUTELY SHIT ON THE FIRST. I don’t even know the other guy’s name because his firetruck was sad in comparison. This is a prime example of the producers setting you up for failure. PJ is also darksin and the other guy with the terrible fire truck was light skin – so I feel like this was a cultural moment. Light skins are down 2 and need to do something to make a comeback fast.
RYAN WITH THE NOTES!!!!!!!!!!!! The fact that Michelle sat there and read them is insane. She’s stronger than me because as for me and this house…I would’ve thrown them across the room. I would be so scared to read them. You guys – I would be freaked the fuck out. I’m not even kidding like, I would’ve been stopped in my tracks. There were hundreds of pages. This man is clearly a sociopath. He said he watched two hours of the show but he literally psycho-analyzed every single man and woman on the show to ensure that he lasts long. He has color-coded notes. Bullet-points. Advice from friends. I can’t even.
So who is our winner ladies?!?!? I think it’s Nayte!!!! He got the first impression rose and I was gagged! He was my favorite from the minute he was on the screen. She’s looking at him the way I look at my boyfriend– who I am literally texting right now but he is ignoring me to watch a movie. Because that’s what love is right? Joe is still here, but that’s a minor detail. We are going to get him out - just wait on it. Stick with me this season ladies. It’s gonna get good. Xoxo Gossip Jazz <3
